Today, on the bus, a man in his late 30s sat next to me. After a moment, he turned to me and said with a wink, "You must be ovulating, I can smell your vagina." OWM

Today, my husband has always been clumsy, but am I alone in thinking it takes a special level of clumsy to trip over while naked and land with his penis in the mouth of the village slut across the street. OWM

Today, I returned from my year-long vacation to Brazil, having lost a lot of weight and feeling better about my self-confidence. When I met my uncle at the airport, I greeted him with a friendly hug. I was greeted by his erection. OWM

Today, on the bus, a man in his late 30s sat next to me. After a moment, he turned to me and said with a wink, "You must be ovulating, I can smell your vagina." OWM

Today, I woke up with my face flying at the wall. A muscle spasm had caused me to pop out of bed. I'm now dealing with a concussion and sprained neck, thanks to an almost physically impossible feat. OWM

Today, I tried keeping a surprise secret from my fiance. Turns out, under the influence of my sleeping tablets, which after I take them, I forget everything I've said, I spilled the beans. So much for the surprise. OWM

Today, after sending and receiving hundreds of hints, I mustered up the courage to ask my best friend out. He completely ignored my words, and went on to tell me all about his mother's intestinal bug. OWM

Today, I'm in my mid-twenties and just learned that I still start crying in confusing situations. I found this out by getting the wrong train in a foreign country, and then having the conductor come and tell me my ticket was only valid for the other direction. OWM

Today, I'd finished cleaning the interior of my vehicle, but seconds later, a stray cat jumped in through the other opened door, and took a dump right in the center of the mat inside. OWM

Today, I was in a public toilet taking a dump. I then noticed someone trying to peep under the door, so I kicked them in the head as hard as I could. Turned out it was a 5-year-old looking for his parent. OWM

Today, I returned from my year-long vacation to Brazil, having lost a lot of weight and feeling better about my self-confidence. When I met my uncle at the airport, I greeted him with a friendly hug. I was greeted by his erection. OWM

Today, I found out that I'm sensitive to the NuvaRing. It felt like I was a buffet for fire ants. OWM

Today, my husband was finally moving out. I picked up his enormous duffle bag full of clothes to help get him out faster, and I threw out my back. I now can't move. I can't even wipe my own ass. OWM

Today, I had a doctor's appointment because I've recently lost weight. I'm already underweight, and I was concerned because the weight loss has been causing some other health concerns to worsen. My doctor's exact words of advice? "Eating food usually leads to weight gain." OWM

Today, I was walking in the mall with my friends when one of them pointed at a store and commented, "Bae Goals." My fat ass thought she said "bagels" and I actually got excited at the thought of eating a bagel, even after I realized my mistake. OWM

Today, one of my employees was fired for refusing to do a basic job necessity. After the meeting with HR, he left the office and tried to go back to work. OWM