Today, my boyfriend was going down on me and decided it'd be funny to blow raspberries in my crotch. He literally thought it was the funniest thing ever. OWM

Today, I had had sex while sober for the first time in years. It was really awkward, bumpy, and I kept on apologizing for being so terrible. OWM

Today, it's my birthday and it would be a great day if me and my wife weren’t literally too poor to celebrate it. To make it even better, she won’t have birthday sex with me, because we live with her mom and she’s afraid of her hearing us. OWM

Today, I was in the mood for morning sex, but my wife told me to go wank it off in the bathroom. Three minutes later I was mid-wank when she started banging on the door because I was taking too long, and she needed to pee. OWM

Today, I just found out my best friend is a hooker. I just thought she worked nights and had terrible taste in clothes. OWM

Today, my girlfriend told me that she prefers to be on top because I appear skinnier than I actually am. OWM

Today, I was awoken by the sound of my dorm roommate having sex three feet from me. He was sober, knew I was there, and has a deployed military girlfriend. OWM

Today, I kept smelling the pleasant odor of baking bread while driving around. Tonight, I realized that the smell of yeast was actually coming from a cup of moldy smoothie that got missed and left in a cup holder in the back of my car. OWM

Today, I had to explain to my mom that the bruises I have all over my body are not due to abuse, but because I'm into really rough sex. OWM

Today, my boyfriend was talking about video games. Bored of the subject, I started kissing his neck and chest in hopes of him to stop talking and getting some action. He did stop, only for him to say about a minute later, "You're lucky my games can't do this." OWM

Today, I learned why you should never to use Sean Connery's voice when asking your girlfriend to sit on your face. OWM

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for a second time. Then when I was getting dressed with him sitting there next to me, there was a silence. He thought to fill it, he'd grab my hand and fist-bump me. OWM

Today, my date asked me if I enjoyed golden showers. We were in the middle of making out, and it was our first date, which I thought was going well. I guess when things seem too good to be true, they really are. OWM

Today, some guy sent a dickpic to my phone. I was disgusted, and wanted to find out who did it. I called the police, and they matched the number to my step father's new cellphone. OWM

Today, I had to stand outside the changing room while two of my coworkers had noisy sex. I just needed my car keys. OWM

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I felt something tickling my neck. Thinking it was him, I ignored it. Just when I was about to climax, I looked down to see a lizard on me. OWM