Today, to protect me from the 'bad people' out there, my mom bought some pepper spray. While trying to test it, I accidentally sprayed myself in the eyes. Now, every person I meet asks me what I've been crying about. OWM

Today, I went on a second date. He gave me the wrong directions to the restaurant. When it was time to pay for our meal, he casually mentioned that he forgot his wallet. I had to pay, and also tip the waitress who was all over him and didn't spare me a second glance. I'm unemployed and broke. He has a job and it was his idea to eat out. OWM

Today, I grabbed a box of my favorite granola bars, the only flavor the brand makes without nuts, which I'm severely allergic to. A visit to the ER after my throat closed up told me that I'd missed the notice on the shelf, warning that they're now making them with peanuts. OWM

Today, I was bored at my office, so I started flicking my pencils at my door. My boss walked in right then to give me a raise for my "outstanding" work. She scared me so much when she walked in that I flicked a pencil right at her face. OWM

Today, I thought it would be funny to take an airhorn to a golf course and blow it while people were teeing off. It was very funny, until I blew the horn during some guy's backswing and his ball was shanked in my direction and hit me in the head. OWM

Today, my boyfriend told me that it's "disgusting" to wash your "rear end" and that he has never, and will never, do it. OWM

Today, a little girl asked me if I was wearing a wig. It's my real hair. OWM

Today, my mother-in-law "borrowed" my dog without asking, to show him off to her friends. My dog is my service animal, and I'm not comfortable leaving the house without him. I have to be at work in an hour, and she's not picking up her phone. OWM

Today, I received a two-page letter/rant from my boss notifying me of my imminent dismissal, based on issues such as me "speaking in a suppressed voice." OWM

Today, I tried to dye my hair blonde. Turns out, green hair doesn't suit me. OWM

Today, on to the bus home from school, I sat next to a guy that I ride with every day, but don't know well. He looked at me and said, "Hey, I know this girl named Bridget who looks just like you, but a lot more pale. She's really weird." I'm Bridget. I just got a tan. OWM

Today, my brother announced his engagement. I'm going to be the Maid of Honor. My ex, who told me after five years of dating that he didn't believe in marriage, is going to be the Best Man. I get to walk down the aisle with him. OWM

Today, I moved into my brand new apartment, only to discover that there is an annoying, constant hum coming from the ceiling above my bed. OWM

Today, during a family reunion, my 89 year-old grandma stood up and drunkenly made a speech about how ashamed I should be of myself for still being single. She then passed out at the table. Half my family got up to help her, the other half whispered in agreement. OWM

Today, I took my dog for a basic spay and dental cleaning procedure. When I picked her up from the vet, I was reading through the surgery papers before they sent me away. They'd pulled 29 abscessed teeth and didn’t feel the need to tell me. OWM

Today, my girlfriend told me I didn't make enough noise during sex. Then when we had sex again, I made the noises she wanted. She then broke up with me because apparently, when I came, I screamed like a girl. OWM