Today, I went on a first date with a guy. As soon as we sat down at the restaurant, he snatched my menu and said, "You're having salad." OWM

Today, I needed to get blood drawn. Apparently, my veins are too thin and no blood would flow into the tube. I'm afraid of needles, and was just poked with some unsuccessfully, and I have to go back next week to try again. OWM

Today, while talking to a friend, I momentarily forgot the word for archery and instead called it, “Bow-and-Arrow Jutsu.” OWM

Today, I needed to get blood drawn. Apparently, my veins are too thin and no blood would flow into the tube. I'm afraid of needles, and was just poked with some unsuccessfully, and I have to go back next week to try again. OWM

Today, I went on a date. I'm a big Disney fan, so naturally the topic came up. He said, "The only Disney movie I didn't really like was Pocahontas." I have a Pocahontas tattoo. OWM

Today, my cat still loves my boyfriend more than me. I spent around 6 months convincing my boyfriend to get a cat. OWM

Today, my boyfriend and I dyed our hair. His hair came out good. My hair, on the other hand, came out splotchy, and instead of dark blue, it came out green. OWM

Today, I went to my favorite burger joint. Upon taking the first bite of my burger, I dislocated my jaw. The employees had to call 911. OWM

Today, I realized my boyfriend's family love and respect me more than my own family. OWM

Today, my wife and I got into an argument. She ran out, yelling. Later, at work, I felt guilty, so I picked up some flowers and a card. When I presented them to her, she looked puzzled. I made the mistake of reminding her about our argument. She is now mad at me, again. OWM

Today, I had the mole on my neck removed. By my pet bird. OWM

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. OWM

Today, I failed my driving test, and didn't get my great new job that a buddy helped me get. He got fired, and they won't hire me because he recommended me, regardless of how qualified for the job and how great the interview went. He called to tell me an hour before my driving test. owm

Today, after 4 days without being able to poop, now, while sitting stuck in traffic, I have the sudden urge to use the bathroom. OWM

Today, I found out how messed up I am when a guy held a knife to my throat and it turned me on. OWM

Today, I was talking to myself in the shower, pretending I was Oprah. After I got out, my little brother asked if I was singing in the bathroom. I almost said no, but admitting to singing seemed a lot less embarrassing. OWM